I try restraining it, but to try without will is, I’m coming to realize, ineffective
My efforts are unsuccessful, and I end my pursuit to command things
Things I’m not meant to control
It’s done; I let go, and regret what I’ve already tried to do
I cry and pray and wonder
Why do I crave power that isn’t mine, so that I relinquish power that is?
What gives us power? Who gives us our own power back?
I’m shaking and falling and losing myself on top of this creature.
Understanding flashes in front of my eyes and I realize its truth.
I need to submit. If I submit, I’ll be free.
Revelation. I’ve read the line before, but it finally means something.
Tonight I feel like I finally understood a little bit.
Now I am sleepless, but it feels better.
I choose not to sleep, not because sleep won’t come to me, but because I refuse to come to it. We’ll find each other eventually.
I refuse to allow it that unbridled control it has exercised over the weakest of us.
Why sleep when I feel rested and impelled to do more important things?
I choose to be sleepless. That is, only for tonight. I won’t become a fool who denies his body what it needs forever. I am not a rebel.
Sometimes, and only sometimes, one side takes precedence, and gives life back the other. At least I hope it will. I suppose I’ll let you know what happens tomorrow.